Emotions and how easily we misunderstand them

We all experience emotions, and have always experienced them yet they’re messy, complex and at times difficult to pinpoint. All emotions are easy to misunderstand however, they provide valuable data. Unfortunately, due to the intricacy of our emotions, many of us misinterpret what we’re feeling, which may result in mismanagement.

Emotions communicate important information based on present and past experiences. Often, what we experience in the present moment is rooted in much earlier experiences. Forming this connection can result in healthy emotional regulation. It is important to hold in mind that this connection may require the benign presence of a mental healthcare professional to assist in making sense of your emotions. Our bodies also communicate our emotions in various ways. Have you ever experienced butterflies in your stomach, a racing heart, and sweaty palms before an important meeting? This is your body’s way of communicating anxiety and anticipation. Once more, making this connection may enable you to approach your symptoms with increased understanding and compassion.

Emotions contain many shades of grey. Below we have identified some of the most common ways we misinterpret our emotions:

1. We think our emotions only relate to what is currently happening

Our brains are muscles that absorb an abundance of information over the course of our lives. Every experience has paved the way for how we react to different situations. This results in experiences and emotions becoming loaded with meaning rather than existing in isolation.

When we experience intense affect, this may be a form of communication that this is rooted in a much earlier experience. For example, perhaps someone overlooked an idea you presented in a meeting, whether intentionally or not, and this caused you to feel incredibly offended and angry. In the archives of your brain, your mind and body are communicating an earlier experience, possibly when you were left out and neglected as a child.

If you’re reactive and struggle to self-regulate, try listen to some self-soothing exercises by Susan David. If you feel as though these emotions become too overwhelming, please reach out to one of our healthcare providers at the Wellness Centre.

2. We take other’s emotions personally

When someone reacts emotionally towards us, we may take it personally, however, we are also removed from others’ loaded experiences.

We remain unaware of others’ personal and emotional experiences, unless expressed overtly towards us. Someone may be going through a difficult time at home, had a flat tyre on the way to work, experienced a difficult client and currently feel devalued. There are many triggers that can come into the mix before someone reacts to you.

Many of us have previous experiences, past pain and feelings that are entrenched in our being. These can cause us to react in certain ways that have little to do with the other person.

It’s easy to misunderstand others’ emotions in our relationships. How can we expect to get it right all the time when our own emotions feel difficult to make sense of? Everyone has gone through their own early childhood experiences and past relationships, which can result in them becoming more reactive towards certain people, emotions and situations.

3. We think emotions need to be controlled

We live in a society that is obsessed with making others feel better. We are prone to comfort others and tell them that everything is going to be okay. We tend to approach our own emotions in a similar manner. As soon as we start experiencing difficult emotions, we may attempt to figure out how to reduce these emotions and solve them.

We’re so quick to try and feel less, that we often end up avoiding the very emotions that are attempting to communicate something to us. Even if we successfully reduce the intensity of our emotions and feel better in the moment, our emotions and their triggers remain, bubbling beneath the surface.

We then spend far too much time and energy avoiding certain emotions which results in them becoming bigger, to the point of overwhelm.  

4. We usually fixate on only one emotion

When we’re feeling a certain way, we only think about the dominant emotion. For example, you may be nervous about starting a new job and only focus on the anxiety of the situation. However, what about the new journey you’re about to embark on?

Try using the word “and” when thinking and speaking about how you’re feeling. If we look at the example above, you may think, “I am so nervous about starting this new job, and I am excited about this new opportunity”.

It’s important to acknowledge when you feel multiple emotions. By doing this, you can help yourself gain a sense of perspective towards situations, as well as embrace yourself as a complex human being with layered emotions.

Most of the time we focus on the more negative emotion, however, we can feel more than one emotion at the same time and all of them are valid. For example, you can feel anxious about your job, confident that you’re doing everything you can to perform well while grappling with feelings of inadequacy. Remember, negative emotions aren’t always bad and offer an important form of communication

5. We see emotions as either reasonable or unreasonable, justified, or unjustified

We often dichotomise to make sense of our world; however, many aspects of life are far more complex and multi-layered.

Our emotions are filled with grey areas which can feel overwhelming at times. It would certainly be a lot easier if things were black and white for instance, some emotions may be embraced, such as joy, whereas others avoided, such as melancholy. This may result in a split of good and bad emotions. However, all emotions are valid, even if some feel more unbearable than others. We may also find ourselves in situations that cause us to question our emotions. For example, if you’re chatting with a group of friends and someone says something you find highly offensive but no one else seems to even notice, this could cause you to question yourself.

Rather than question the way you’re feeling, try accepting it. Accept that we don’t all have to react the same in all situations. It’s far healthier for you and those you interact with if you accept yours and other emotions without judgement. You may begin to feel more curious about your emotions and the emotions of those around you. Perhaps all emotions will be experienced with an increased sense of curiosity rather than judgement and a desire to split them into good and bad.

It’s not just you

Emotions are not only confusing to us but to scientists too. According to an article by BBC Science Focus, scientists have struggled to pinpoint our emotions and what they mean.

At first, scientists believed that “emotions were caused by dedicated brain circuits – a circuit for happiness, one for fear, another for anger and so on – that automatically triggered a specific pattern of facial expression, bodily state and physical action.”

But scientific evidence proved that each of our emotions is a full brain event, and there are many factors that contribute to our reactions.

Some scientists believe that our emotions are reflected in our facial expressions and that we all have similar facial expressions for each emotion. While other scientists believe that we don’t all have the same expressions. Evidently, emotions are messy and non-linear. The best thing you can do is take a second, look at a situation holistically and try not judge yourself or others for how they feel.